Feb
26
Thoughts after Six Days in Crawfordsville
February 26, 2008 | | Comments Off on Thoughts after Six Days in Crawfordsville
(February 26th) I just got back to Austin from a six day stay in Crawfordsville, from February 21st through the 26th, and I thought y’all might like some impressions.
(In my best Groucho Marx voice) “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
But seriously, several things really stand out: Dad still has his sense of humor, which makes the situation bearable. He’s also accepting this with such graciousness and dignity, it is simply awe inspiring, and an incredible lesson and example for mom, shannon and I. I never heard him complain once. Not. Once. He apolgizes for being an inconvenience. He never demands something he wants; he always asks, almost apologetically.
But even with all he is going through, his first concern is never about *his* wants or needs. It is always that we kids look after his wife. “Take care of your mother,” he’s told us, on numerous occasions. And we will.
And mom, after telling me that she didn’t want to be strong just a few months ago, is really showing incredible character as she deals with the day to day demands dad’s illness puts on her, and physical strength and she lifts and moves him from place to place. I can’t tell you how pleased and impressed I am. She too sets a good example, as she’s well outside her comfort zone. But she’s standing in there, even as new challenges are thrown at her. I think she’s proving to herself she’s stronger than she thought. She might even be a little bit surprised!
As far as dad’s physical condition, he is much weaker – and he was weaker on the 26th than he was on the 21st. He is unable to move his left arm and leg, and his speech is less understandable, and his ability to eat is now being affected. On the 21st, he was able to eat some, but he now is nearly unable to swallow. Oddly, he seems to be able to hear better. And his right side still seems quite strong. His grip is very firm, and I noticed today he really had good strength in his right arm, which he had around my shoulder as I moved him from one place to another. Waltzing across Texas, I told him. He said I was a good dance partner.
Emotionally? As I noted, he does not complain, ever. And he is unfailingly gracious, thanking everyone for what they do for him. I found it humbling, and a real honor and privilege to do the things for my father he couldn’t do for himself, and be witness to such graciousness and dignity. I should be so on my good days. When he “perked up,” seemingly out of the blue, a few weeks ago, he not only was better physically, but he was able to eat, and he was mentally sharper. Until then, it was if he was in a fog. And while he’s gone down hill physically, he is still, it seems to me, as mentally cognizant as he was a few weeks ago. Which means that he understands very well he is going to die. And though he doesn’t talk about it – he was ever reticent – my sense is that he is very sad at the thought of leaving behind his wife, his children, his grand-daughter, his family and friends. He loves life, and isn’t ready to leave. And so he is much more emotional than I have ever seen him.
Dad and I talked a fair amount – at length on the 21st and again on the 26th. Although, even from the beginning, I’ve had nothing I felt was unresolved between my father and I, each chance we get to talk is a blessing, “a gift,” the hospice spiritual advisor called them.
I assured him that his father, were he here today, would surely be proud of the man he is. I told him if he were my son, I’d be proud of the man he is. And mom and I both let him know that when he’s ready, he should feel free to let go. (I know Shannon feels the same, and I’m pretty sure she’s let him know as well.) I reminded him that Shannon and I are part of his legacy, (which may be quite a disappointment) ;-), and that Emma is too. I hope I was clear that even as he passes from this life, he still remains physically in and with his children and grandchild, and in our hearts as well.
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